Billie Eilish says her bluntness about sex makes people uncomfortable. She's right.
![](https://www.usatoday.com/gcdn/presto/2023/08/30/USAT/b1f646af-8409-4887-8d58-7eda6a318dcd-headshot_david_oliver.jpeg?crop=1637,1637,x0,y0&width=48&height=48&format=pjpg&auto=webp)
Billie Eilish has always been outspoken. But recent comments she made about sex in a Rolling Stone profile turned heads.
"I basically talk about sex any time I possibly can," she told the outlet. "That’s literally my favorite topic. My experience as a woman has been that it’s seen in such a weird way. People are so uncomfortable talking about it, and weirded out when women are comfortable in their sexuality and communicative in it." She added "self-pleasure is an enormous, enormous part of my life," saying it helps her connect with herself and sharing what she enjoys. She also talked about embracing her sexuality and realizing her desire to have sex with women.
People have since criticized her comments: "I mean I think in general people should be more open in regards to talking about sex … but in one day I’ve learned way too much about Billie Eilish’s sex life without searching for it," one X user wrote. Another said: "I’m the problem. I agreed with the 'gen z is really sex negative' take. and now we all have to know IN DETAIL how Billie Eilish masturbates. my fault guys I’m sorry."
Experts say Eilish is right: When women talk a lot about sex, it can make people uncomfortable, but women should feel free to say much as they please – and if you don't get that, you're the problem.
"If this situation describes you, check your biases and remember that no one should be made to feel ashamed of their sexuality or body," says Leora Tanenbaum, a slut-shaming expert writing a book on sexy selfies.
Women are often shamed for discussing sex
It makes sense why women have historically found it difficult to talk about sex: "We grow up in a society that sexualizes women, but only from a male gaze," says Celeste Holbrook, sexologist, speaker and author. "We want women to be sexual, but only for men."
To that end, "women are often uncomfortable to discuss sex because we’re punished for it," says Allison Moon, author of "Girl Sex 101." "It’s not hard to find examples of people shaming women for the number of sex partners they’ve had or the kinds of sex they enjoy. Owning our sexuality often comes with a price. Whether it’s humiliation, rejection or just garden-variety slut-shaming."
Not to mention that sexual encounters for some young women are often scary, traumatic or violent. "Research documents a high prevalence of nonconsensual choking, slapping and name calling during sex, and certainly many women are the victims of sexual coercion and assault," says Laurie Mintz, a licensed psychologist and professor of human sexuality at the University of Florida and author of "Becoming Cliterate."
Plus, media rarely shows accurate example of female pleasure, and we even erase it in regular conversation. "We also call the entirety of women’s genitals a vagina, thereby linguistically erasing the part of women’s bodies – the vulva and the clitoris – that give them the most pleasure and instead calling women’s genitals by the part most useful to men than to women themselves," Mintz adds.
'I've never been a happy person'Billie Eilish opens up about lifelong battle with depression
Billie Eilish is on to something
Sex experts are proud of Eilish's bold quotes. "Comments like Eilish’s are shocking to some because they are refreshingly without shame, even for such taboo subjects as masturbation," Moon says.
The comments are reflective of a larger, societal sexual shift.
"Contrary to conservative attempts to control and deny our fundamental sexual nature, we are living in incredibly sexually liberated times," Moon adds. "We have moved light years beyond the sexual mores of our parents and grandparents. ... Eilish represents the refreshing possibilities that we have access to when we step away from shame."
In short, "if people are rattled by Eilish’s frank language, it’s because they are uneasy when a woman expresses sexual independence and rejects the idea that she needs a partner," Tanenbaum says.
Interesting:A weatherman was fired when his webcam photos leaked. Will how we think about sex ever change?
So, you're uncomfortable discussing sex
If talking about sex proves difficult for you, don't fret. Read up and push past your shame.
You might even have shame without realizing it. "Shame can be internal: We feel broken or bad for our desires," Moon says, "or it can be external: politicians, pastors, and parents telling us we’re wrong. Even our peers can shame us based on the false narratives they’ve internalized."
Avoidance is not the answer. "People should not just avoid being sexual as a solution to the toxic culture surrounding women’s sexuality because we know that positive sexuality is associated with better life satisfaction and better relationship satisfaction," Mintz says. "Instead, they should educate themselves by seeking out books and articles written by sexual scientists." Also consider visiting a certified sex therapist.
"The best antidote to shame and faux gender wars is knowledge," Moon adds. "Seek out respected, scientifically-backed and culturally liberating sex resources."
Maybe then you'll be "happier than ever."